You know, I hate confrontation - I'd rather avoid it at all cause possible. I'm not an angry person, I'm happier just letting it go, I'm a people pleaser and hurting people is my least favorite thing in the world. Sometimes, I've learned, you have to hurt people in order to save yourself. You have to love yourself above others (not to be confused with putting yourself above others). I had to hurt my Aunt Pat a few years ago and my Aunt Stella a few months ago. I did this because they had hurt me in a way that almost cost me my life. I had to put distance between myself and the Carter family and I tried to do it in the least destructive way possible. I tried to leave my dad and grandma out of it - I didn't want to hurt them, I didn't want to get between my dad and his family. They're the ones who blew it out proportion. All I wanted was to be left alone.
I'm truly sorry that it came to blows like this, I'm sorry for any hand I had in our self-destruction. I was a scared, terrified, broken kid and I played the victim for far too long. I put up with the screaming, I put up with being forced to grow up too soon, but it broke me. I don't tell a lot of people the reasons behind things that have happened in the last year or so, but I tried to end my life multiple times in the last four years. I couldn't take it. It was suffocating me and I HAD to put space between me and them or I was going to die.
I am thankful that Aunt Pat pretty much left things alone. There were a few MINOR issues, but honestly, she pretty much just took my wishes and left me alone. Left my family alone. I'm eternally grateful for that. She cut me deep but she's stayed away. That doesn't go unappreciated. It's not an apology but it's more than I expected to get from that family.
Of course, a girl like me can't get lucky twice. It's been hell since I got the restraining order against Aunt Stella. She called the cops and had them warn my Dad to stay away from her - even though I left him out of it, she lied and tried to turn him against me. Then today I get a letter from the courts in which she goes on about how my mother and I are abusive of my dad and how we're all mentally disabled.
BIPOLAR DISORDER IS NOT AND WILL NEVER BE A MENTAL HANDICAP. I HAVE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN MY BRAIN THAT THEY TRIGGERED!
I have never been abusive towards my dad, nor has my mother. All we've wanted from him was for him to standup and act like a man. THEY abused him by never expecting him to grow up. He was never taught accountability or how to control his anger. He ALWAYS had his behavior excused by them.
How can they defend a 40 year old man and blame it all on his ten year old daughter? I am eight years wiser now, I knew even then it wasn't my fault. How do you tell a six year old not to cry when her grandmother dies? How do you stand over your fourteen year old niece until she is crying and screaming and can't breathe? How do you watch your fifteen year old niece self destruct? How do you watch a sixteen year old cut her wrist every single day looking for an escape from everything? HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF!?
So, no, I didn't start this. Not on my own. They made their decisions. I just wanted to end the fighting, I wanted to save my life. I'm sorry for any hurt that I may have caused, it wasn't my intention to hurt anyone - honest.
THE ONLY THING I WANT is to be left alone.
Just drop it, Aunt Stella, PLEASE. If you really care about this family, drop it.
I don't want to fight. Just leave me alone.
I'm not six or ten or fourteen or fifteen or seventeen anymore. I'm not going to stand down. I am not going to curl up in a ball and cry over your hate filled words. All I am asking you to do is back off.
-Julia
