Monster

When most people look in the mirror they don't like what they see; pimples, greasy, skin, and a crooked nose. When I look in the mirror, I both loathe and fear who I see.
The Monster that is me.
This Monster doesn't hurt the civilians or threaten the authorities. This monster resides not in closets or under beds. This monster is not slimey or covered in warts. This monster does not smell like sludge or reside in a swamp.
This Monster has pimples, greasy skin, and a crooked nose. This Monster lives among the civilians. This Monster resides in human skin and wears normal clothes. This Monster has only one victim - herself.
This Monster resides in my soul.
This Monster's victim is me.
I am this Monster and my victim is myself.
Life and death.
Creation and destruction.
Dwelling as one.

written by Julia Anne Elizabeth
at 5:40 in the morning of January 14th, 2010

Setting The Record Straight

You know, I hate confrontation - I'd rather avoid it at all cause possible. I'm not an angry person, I'm happier just letting it go, I'm a people pleaser and hurting people is my least favorite thing in the world. Sometimes, I've learned, you have to hurt people in order to save yourself. You have to love yourself above others (not to be confused with putting yourself above others). I had to hurt my Aunt Pat a few years ago and my Aunt Stella a few months ago. I did this because they had hurt me in a way that almost cost me my life. I had to put distance between myself and the Carter family and I tried to do it in the least destructive way possible. I tried to leave my dad and grandma out of it - I didn't want to hurt them, I didn't want to get between my dad and his family. They're the ones who blew it out proportion. All I wanted was to be left alone.

I'm truly sorry that it came to blows like this, I'm sorry for any hand I had in our self-destruction. I was a scared, terrified, broken kid and I played the victim for far too long. I put up with the screaming, I put up with being forced to grow up too soon, but it broke me. I don't tell a lot of people the reasons behind things that have happened in the last year or so, but I tried to end my life multiple times in the last four years. I couldn't take it. It was suffocating me and I HAD to put space between me and them or I was going to die.

I am thankful that Aunt Pat pretty much left things alone. There were a few MINOR issues, but honestly, she pretty much just took my wishes and left me alone. Left my family alone. I'm eternally grateful for that. She cut me deep but she's stayed away. That doesn't go unappreciated. It's not an apology but it's more than I expected to get from that family.

Of course, a girl like me can't get lucky twice. It's been hell since I got the restraining order against Aunt Stella. She called the cops and had them warn my Dad to stay away from her - even though I left him out of it, she lied and tried to turn him against me. Then today I get a letter from the courts in which she goes on about how my mother and I are abusive of my dad and how we're all mentally disabled.

BIPOLAR DISORDER IS NOT AND WILL NEVER BE A MENTAL HANDICAP. I HAVE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN MY BRAIN THAT THEY TRIGGERED!

I have never been abusive towards my dad, nor has my mother. All we've wanted from him was for him to standup and act like a man. THEY abused him by never expecting him to grow up. He was never taught accountability or how to control his anger. He ALWAYS had his behavior excused by them.

How can they defend a 40 year old man and blame it all on his ten year old daughter? I am eight years wiser now, I knew even then it wasn't my fault. How do you tell a six year old not to cry when her grandmother dies? How do you stand over your fourteen year old niece until she is crying and screaming and can't breathe? How do you watch your fifteen year old niece self destruct? How do you watch a sixteen year old cut her wrist every single day looking for an escape from everything? HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF!?

So, no, I didn't start this. Not on my own. They made their decisions. I just wanted to end the fighting, I wanted to save my life. I'm sorry for any hurt that I may have caused, it wasn't my intention to hurt anyone - honest.

THE ONLY THING I WANT is to be left alone.
Just drop it, Aunt Stella, PLEASE. If you really care about this family, drop it.
I don't want to fight. Just leave me alone.
I'm not six or ten or fourteen or fifteen or seventeen anymore. I'm not going to stand down. I am not going to curl up in a ball and cry over your hate filled words. All I am asking you to do is back off.

-Julia

I've Found A Reason For Me

Why are parents so keen on seeing their children self-destruct? I'm not talking to my parents or any parents specifically but just that I've talked with more people with parent issues than anything. I'm not talking about regular arguing like all teenagers do, I'm talking about the kind where the parents hate and spite their children for things so small it's unbelievable.

Do they forget what it's like to be seventeen, eighteen, nineteen? Do they not remember the stress we put on ourselves to succeed. It's not like we like to be harped on - we really don't. We stress ourselves out enough, thanks. We don't like disappointing you anymore than you like being disappointed in us.

Your words hurt, Parents. Remember that the next time you yell at your kid for something as trivial as leaving their shoes in the wrong place. Stop and listen to us when we have something we need your opinion on. It doesn't take a lot to make us happy. We just want your love and attention. The more we get that, the more apt we are to complete tasks you ask of us.

I know it seems simple, Parents, but next time your kid ticks you off speak to them how you'd want someone to speak to you in the same situation.

Thanks,
A Child

Well Schooled In Ranting

I'm just in the middle of what appears to be a downpour of shit and I just feel like writing out my thoughts - so you, my beautiful readers, get to read my mind. Ain't that nice how that works out?

The forefront thought of my mind right now is holyfuckingcrap Jenna is in the hospital. My bestest friend is in the hospital twelve hours north of me in Minnesnowduh. Luckily, she has her computer and can communicate with me on occasion. (mini-party). I'm just like skeeved out because the only people I know that have been in the hospital for an extended period of time is me and then family members. Plus, I really really REALLY hate that she's that far away. RAWR. But the good news is she's on the mend and the more rest she gets the better she'll feel. (hence my incessant 'JEZZ TAKE A NAP' speeches)

Thought number two. I really don't know what thought number two is. There's too many thoughts competing for it.

uhm. I really hate school. I'd love to drop out but unfortunately me going to school gets my parents more money and they're really good at that guilt thing.

My Aunt and My Mom are fighting and it makes me want to cry. I really can't stand arguments of any kind and especially over something so trivial.

I'm supposed to go to my bff Felicia's house in like nine hours. I've yet to be to sleep and I still need to shower. Yippeeeee. :) Oh well. I'll get both those things done then go chill in her kickass room. We write together. VERY AWESOME

I'm in love with Mitchell Davis.
Hey Hi Hello. <3

I hate Indiana and if i do get to do what I want, I really hope to move somewhere that isn't here. Hai Interwebz franz lemme crash on yo cowch? kthnx bai!

I'm going through a lot with my original character, Austin Hawthorne, right now. She's a tricky bitch and I love her. It's really great. Having characters is like your own socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. hehehe. It always makes me think of that one ep of X-Files though. Milagro. One of my favorite eps. CHECK IT OUT.

My hidradenitis is fucking up. Major ouchorz.

I've fallen back in love with CSI: - but once Jorja Fox does her final ep, I'm done. Sara Sidle fan ftw. (I swear I am the only person alive who loves Jorja Fox/Sara Sidle/Grissom&Sara)

CSI:NY is like my lifeline. Can I have a codependent relationship with a show? Cause yeah, that'd be the one. It makes me all peaceful inside.

Also falling for SVU. Dear Elliot & Liv, please get together and do it NOW. :)

I guess I should head to bed. It's raining.
YAY

-Jules

Moving Directly To Hell

Has anyone noticed it's freaking cold outside? No? Just me? Okay then.

I'm beginning to think it's a rule. Jenna posts a blog, Julia posts a blog. She's like my blog encourager (not to mention best friend and CSI:NY Yoda. Who knew creepy emails could lead to such a thing? Not I. -specially when I'm the creep.)

Oreo is snoring on my leg and it's hard to think that he's almost an adult dog. He's my baby. Actually Spooky is my baby. Why do I have so much to say about my pets?

Why is it five thirty in the morning and mostly why am I awake?

I've yet to figure out how, but I'm blaming this all on Jenna. :) Aren't I nice?

I hate winter. I'm moving to hell til at least April. Freaking cold winter ftl.

I should be using this awake time to write my paper and do homework, but being productive is vastly overrated.

-hums- the geeks were right.

I doubt anyone reads this and those that do are probably as confused as potable vermin by my rants.

hmm.

Oh. EVERYONE must go and read Ballads of Suburbia by Stephanie Kuenhert. It's absolutely one of the best things I have ever read. Also check out I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone by her. :) It's worth it.

Now because my AIM convo thing is flashing incessantly and Jenna ranks above you all. I shall end this blog post.

Love, Julia

Livin' On The Edge of Everything

Tomorrow is my 18th birthday. My Uncle's dad is visiting and for the first time in 18 years I get to call someone Grandpa. I'm so excited over that. My cousins are going to be there for the dinner and I've missed them so darn much. I'm hanging out with my best friends on Monday. Eating pixie stix and watching movies all afternoon. I love them.
My Mom painted my nails today. It's NYC polish and it's called 'West Village', I love it. Lily's in NYC today. I'm so jealous. haha. She got to meet John Schnieder - lucky hoe.
I'm watching Halloweentown 2 and then Independence Day. Trying to kill time. Six hours and twenty-six minutes.
I'm tired. I want to take a nap
I'm bored.
Jenna isn't online - me thinks she's with the PR girls or something. IDK.
I have this fic in my head, I just gotta get it from my head to the computer.
blah blah blah
alright
alright
idk
I'm done
-Julia

Where Were You When The World Stop Turning?

Today is 9/11/09, it's been eight years since that fateful September morning in 2001. There's a song by Alan Jackson, 'Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning?' and I realize that world really did stop turning on 9/11, but the American people gathered an amazing strength and kept on living. I'll never forget that day, so now I'm gonna tell my story, why don't you tell me yours too?
I was in 4th Grade at Mary Raber Elementary in my tiny Indiana Town. Nothing bad ever happens here, it's safe. When we got to school at a quarter til 8, everything was still normal. We made our way through the previous nights homework, I think we reviewed some Indiana History. Then Mrs. Reith took us down to Art with Mr. Bailey. He had the TV on and we all were transfixed by it. There was fires in New York, something had struck the Trade Centers. I didn't even know what the Trade Centers were.
Mr. Bailey said we could have the TV on as long as we kept doing our work. There was no protest, I don't think any one of us could even remember how to speak. It was the most hauntingly silent I've ever heard a bunch of ten year olds. I sat at one of the lunch style tables and worked on my geometric shape project. It was green, purple, and blue and it looked uncannily like camo.
Then I heard a gasp and my head snapped up, the towers were falling. My hand covered my mouth and I watched it unfold before my eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen, this is America, we doing the ass kicking.
When we got back to our classroom, the Principal had ordered that all TV's be shut off for the remainder of the day. I'm not sure, but I think we're the only ones who saw it. While a lot of the other teachers tried to keep peace and go on with their daily lessons, I think Mrs. Reith did the best thing she ever could've done for us.
We talked about it.
We talked about it for Lord knows how long. We sat there and talked for most of the day and then she had us take out our Writer's Journals and we wrote about it; what we were feeling, what we thought was happening... We shared our thoughts and it was the most binding act for a class that had been rather divided.
I got home that afternoon and mom snapped the TV off and I informed her I already saw it.
9/11 made me become rather patriotic, walking in the Memorial Day Parade became something that I had to do. Getting to carry the American Flag the following year for the parade made my heart swell. I love America.
There's a song by Darryl Worley called 'Have You Forgotten?' and I don't think we have. We may try to push it to the back of our minds, but there is no way to forget what happened. But there's a line I love from that song: "People say this country's just out lookin' for a fight, well after 9/11 man, I'd have to say that's right."
Toby Keith's Angry American [Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue]: "We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way"
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
To Marcus Mullins & Ron Betts, thanks for protecting our country.

Thoughts & Prayers to America.
-Julia